On The Right Problems To Solve
Priorities become clearer in the face of difficult experiences, especially mortality... whether our own, that of those we love, or even that of strangers.
But difficult things happen every day. Though, intermittently enough that we can drown it out with news, podcasts, work to dos, life to dos, and social interactions, etc.
But bad things in volume and at scale are a lot harder to set to the side. We can’t drown it out because it’s now part of our news, podcasts, work to dos, life to dos, and (lack of) social interactions, etc.
If you’re sick and/or have a loved one who is, I’m praying for health and recovery. 🙏🙏
If you’re on the front lines, thank you so very much. 🙏🙏
Most of the rest of us are fortunate to exist in first world environments with the luxury of observing this crisis from our phones or TVs and tending to our mental health.
There's an odd dichotomy in our Western media consumption right now. Stories of life and death contrasted with memes of us having too much time and running out of Netflix to watch.
We’re adaptable creatures, so we’ll adjust to our new circumstances and gradually get more comfortable with the current normal as we soothe our anxiety about Coronapocalypse.
But once we’re there, with our modified routines and distanced existences, the thoughts that nagged us before… about purpose and fulfillment, what we do with our lives, what career path we should be on, etc… will resurface, if they haven’t already.
We all have those experiences that “put things in perspective.” Where we think and talk a lot about “realizing what really matters.” Where we feel called to take action and “figure our shit out.”
This is one of those experiences and accordingly, I’ve heard these phrases over and over the last few weeks. If you’ve said them or thought them, a logical follow up may be… what are you going to do about it?
Many of us have a bias towards action. I certainly do. To DO something often makes us feel like we’re solving problems and making progress. It starts to alleviate the anxiety around not knowing the answers to some big and important questions, at least at the outset.
Case in point - The Great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020.
But the first step to successful problem solving is clarity around what problem we actually need to solve.
Even though I spent the majority of my career doing this for others, it took me years to realize I was often skipping this step when dealing with my own challenges.
Many times over I’ve gone way down the line of ideating solutions and executing them, often to irreversible degrees, before recognizing that the original problem still existed because I hadn’t identified it to start.
So, before you ask yourself what you’re going to do about all these aha moments, I’d encourage you to ask:
What exactly is now in perspective for you?
What truly matters to you right now?
What shit do you actually need to figure out?
Shutting out the noise all around you… What do you want for yourself?
Detail and specificity matter here.
“I want to spend more time with the people I love.”
vs.
“I want to dedicate time each week to really listen and understand how my mom, my partner, my child, and one of my good friends are doing.”
“I want to make more money.”
vs.
“I want to find a new job where I can be creative, use my writing skills, help people (e.g. maybe in health & wellness), have remote work options, and be paid my value.”
There’s more detail that can be extracted for statements like these, but you get the idea.
The accuracy of the problem we attempt to solve affects everything down the line because we form goals based on the problems we identify. We set priorities based on those goals. And we define to dos based on those priorities.
We can be the smartest, most resourceful, most productive people in the world, but we’ll find ourselves in the same place (or worse because we’ll feel like we wasted precious time) if we start out solving a problem that isn't the core issue.
Just as the trickle down effects of leadership are felt throughout an organization, the same is true for ourselves. Except we're an organization of one where we wear all the hats and there’s no one else to hold accountable.
If getting clear on the problem you need to solve for yourself right now, setting priorities, and/or holding yourself accountable to your to dos is something you’ve been challenged by, I’d love to hear from you.
I’m trying to figure out how I can be more useful and make sure I’m solving problems that people want help solving, so please use the contact form or email me (pam@pamyang.nyc) and let me know what your biggest life/work challenge is.
In the meantime, stay safe and sanitized, and support others that need it however you can.
🙏🙏,
Pam
On Doing Our Due Diligence
This piece might seem like a leap, but there's a lot of value in conceptual and thematic learning across all kinds of experiences so, bear with me as I bring it home.
I met some family for brunch last weekend and we usually have dim sum or Taiwanese breakfast (this is a good visual, if you’re curious).
So, I was very confused when they told me we were meeting at a German restaurant. Granted, it’s a spot they like, but still out of left field.
The reason being, some of my family wanted to stay away from Chinatown and Chinese restaurants because of Coronavirus Disease, despite there being no correlation between getting sick and a Chinese restaurant.
They just called it coronavirus so, I shared what I learned just a few weeks ago that coronaviruses are a family of viruses (e.g. the common cold, SARS, MERS, etc.). The one we’re now worried about is COVID-19, aka Coronavirus Disease, aka novel coronavirus outbreak, which is just very confusing branding. This was all news to my family.
When I dug into why they were fine going to other public spaces, but not one with more Chinese people, they were quick to defend that they weren’t discriminating. Though they couldn’t articulate their reasoning beyond being safe and the outbreak originating from China.
But what about the Level 3 alert in South Korea, Italy, Iran and Japan as well as community transmission becoming a bigger issue? Would they avoid all those restaurants and going outside altogether?
There’s no clear right or wrong, but with the reports of Chinatowns and East Asian businesses all over the globe suffering huge economic losses and the spread of xenophobia, if Chinese people are nervous about going to Chinatown, what chance do these businesses have of surviving this downturn?
Not to mention the ripple effects are vast… lost wages and jobs for employees, families who’ll struggle to pay rent, suppliers who are hit by the decreased demand, etc.
As the outbreak spreads, caution is certainly necessary and the economic impact will grow, but if the connection drawn is that the disease started in China and thus we’re going to avoid large groups of Chinese people (but still go to other public places), that negatively impacts the common good of our society as well as the individual interest of protecting our health.
Fear on all levels can fuel a variety of responses. Our concerns may not be irrational, as in the case of a serious health crisis. But our instinctual yet unevaluated fight-flight-freeze responses to our concerns sometimes can be.
This applies whether we’re talking about global health concerns, government elections, racial biases, or our everyday lives.
I imagine most of us would say we’re critical thinkers and have a level of discernment in processing information and experiences. But the issue isn’t with our abilities. It’s with our deployment of that ability on a consistent basis to clearly evaluate the inputs that come at us.
It’s so easy to receive misinformation and misunderstand these days. Especially when it spreads so effectively, when we have more access to more info than we know what to do with, when we’re feeling crunched for time from all angles, and when our to do lists never stop growing.
The amount of time we give to distinguishing facts from fiction and seeing the forest for the trees is quickly sacrificed… often subconsciously… in service of speed and efficiency.
Plus, the info we need to discern doesn’t only come from external inputs. Our thoughts, feelings, fears, wants, frustrations, etc. all contribute to our decision making. Making sense of this stimuli takes time and energy, which are limited resources. It becomes overwhelming very quickly.
So, we look for shortcuts. Like cutting out Chinese restaurants and Chinatown visits. Like voting along party lines or with popular opinion. Like being wary of certain ethnic groups. Like “following our gut.”
But if we don’t do the due diligence before making our decisions, the quality of that decision is inherently impacted.
I read something recently that resonated... we can come to a good decision in a bad way. Because decisions in a vacuum are not clearly good or bad. The good or bad can only be measured in the context of what we were trying to achieve, which is directly correlated to how well we understand the problem.
With Coronavirus Disease, the side effects are far more visible because people are sick or dying and economies are suffering. The due diligence is more straightforward as we can educate ourselves from trusted sources and identify clear actions to take.
We could avoid handshakes and hugs. We could ask each business if anyone on their staff has traveled abroad recently, especially China, South Korea, Italy, Iran, and Japan. We could also ask that of each person we meet. Or we could stay at home.
But with our lives, the effects are often more subtle and harder to measure. And the due diligence we have to do is with ourselves.
Thinking we want A to solve B without fully understanding B, determining why we want A, researching A, and pressure testing A, we may not actually solve B at all.
E.g. Are we leaving our company because we didn’t get the promotion and want a job at the next level? Or is it also because we didn’t feel appreciated, our skills weren’t being leveraged in a meaningful way, we didn’t have opportunities to showcase growth, our manager didn’t have our back, we know we could make more elsewhere, and so we need to find a place that will give us all those qualities?
In doing our due diligence, it doesn’t mean that everything will work out as hoped, or that we can prevent certain outcomes. But it does mean that we’ll have a clearer understanding of the problem we’re dealing with as well as the key factors affecting that problem, and thus be equipped to come up with a more effective solution.
The key to making a good decision is not in the choice itself, but rather the work we put in to get there. The decision is usually quite obvious and even easy if we’ve invested in the upfront due diligence.
The next time we’re trying to make a big decision and find ourselves jumping to a seemingly clear conclusion, consider…
What’s the core pain point or problem I’m dealing with?
What are the factors affecting it?
Does my conclusion solve my core problem?
(Hint: Dig at least 3-5 levels beyond the surface, depending on the complexity of the problem. Our first reaction likely isn’t the core problem so, asking "why" a few times over helps to clarify. If this doesn’t make sense, email me and I’d be happy to walk you through it.)
🙏,
Pam
On Stating The Obvious
Larry Fink, the CEO of BlackRock (the world’s largest money manager overseeing $6.5 trillion+), writes an annual letter to the CEOs of the companies they’re invested in.
Needless to say, his words carry weight.
In 2016, he warned about the effects of short-term thinking and quarterly earnings targets and asked companies to lay out a strategic framework for long-term value creation.
In 2017, he reiterated the need for long term planning while factoring in what’s happening around us. “As you build your strategy, it is essential that you consider the underlying dynamics that drive change around the world.”
In his 2018 letter, “A Sense of Purpose,” he emphasized the importance of a clear framework around a company’s purpose and strategy for long term growth. “Without a sense of purpose, no company, either public or private, can achieve its full potential.”
In 2019, his “Purpose & Profit” letter reminded CEOs how profits and purpose are inextricably linked. “Purpose is not the sole pursuit of profits but the animating force for achieving them.”
And 2020, in “A Fundamental Reshaping of Finance,” he wrote about the impact of climate change.
Two thoughts stuck out after reading his letters…
1. Strategy is strategy whether in business or life. And it's important.
I’ve believed this for a while and it’s how I structure my approach to coaching.
Long-Term Planning over Short-Term Planning.
Considering Context over Operating In A Vacuum.
Proactivity over Reactivity.
Purpose over Profits.
I imagine most of us would agree these are not just obvious and fundamental practices for business, but for life as well.
But how many of us would say our companies operate this way... with clear purpose, strategy, and responsibility?
And how many of us would say we operate our lives this way?
Through the years, I’ve gotten a lot of shit from family and friends for focusing so much on purpose and what I want from life, as well as for my approach in going after them. Great things have happened and awful things have happened, but I can 100% say I'm good if today was my last because there wasn't a single dream I didn't chase.
So, if fulfillment and purpose are what we're after, I believe wholeheartedly there are few things more valuable than having a strategy for our lives with clarity in why we’re here, where we want to go, and how we might get there.
2. Sometimes we need to be reminded of the obvious.
But, oftentimes we need to be hit where it hurts to take action.
For the world’s leading companies, Larry Fink has been an annual reminder of foundational principles that underlie sustainable businesses. But the potential impact to their bottom line drives action.
For each of us, there are plenty of Larry Finks in our lives, stating the obvious. If we’ve lost sight of some fundamental truths, I hope we take a regular beat to consider what we need to refocus on.
But what are our unique bottom line equivalents? The things that, if threatened, would finally force us to act on the obvious. A layoff, an illness, a death?
Instead of waiting for those, can we take action proactively, to have more sustainable lives and careers on our terms before we’re forced to?
In other words, what important things are you waiting on doing that you could start doing today? If nothing comes to mind, then that's a solid sign your actions are in line with your priorities. But if something does come to mind, what are you waiting for?
🙏,
Pam
(Inspired by The Daily episode, “Can Corporations Stop Climate Change?”)
On The Impact We Create
There are a lot of ways we can create impact.
Some are obvious, like our actions towards other humans.
Some are far less so and take years to realize, like our reliance on plastic that’s now resulted in a massive environmental crisis.
Then there are those we disassociate from because it’s not within our control, like what our companies do vs. what our job is.
But for those of us who want purpose and fulfillment in our work, are we ok disconnecting ourselves from the broader impact our companies have? No wrong answer, but that’s assuming we’ve asked the question.
...
Everyday, we come across various snippets of inspiring stories on social media about people doing a lotta good with a little...
Azel Prather is a pre-K/Kindergarten teacher in DC, who hosted a “Spa Day” for his kids, many of whom can’t afford simply luxuries like a haircut. He paid for it himself using money he needed to repair his car. The impact Azel wants to create is clear… valuing his kids’ stories and meeting the needs he sees in their lives.
If you look good, you feel good. If you feel good, you do good. In action.
We also hear about wildly successful businesses that are thougthful about how they operate and grow...
Cocomelon is a Youtube channel with 2.5 BILLION views/month. It’s the second most-watched YouTube channel with animated cartoons, and original kids songs. The Bath Song alone has 2,323,690,015 views.
It was started by a wife-husband team with children’s books and film backgrounds, who wanted to entertain their kids. They now have a team of ~20 animators and songwriters, etc., but want to stay as anonymous as possible.
What they want to create is also clear… “I never look up the reason why something is popular or how I can please the YouTube algorithm. I know what matters. Stories matter. I don’t want more viewership. I’m fine."
And there are businesses that are exploring new frontiers to see where we could go someday...
Clearview.ai is billed as a research tool leveraging image search tech to solve crime… for now. But they started with looking for any use case that would pay for the tech and found product-market fit with law enforcement, not to mention stopping pedophiles is a compelling story.
It’s essentially a very powerful facial recognition tool that seems to be incredibly accurate (~99%) pulling from a database of 3B+ images that sat in the public domain at one point or another. The tech would not be possible without Google, Facebook, Instagram, etc.
The founder, Hoan Ton-That, wants “to build a ‘great American company’ with ‘the best of intentions’ and wouldn't sell his product to Iran, Russia or China.” Which echoes the similarly idealistic sentiments of Google and FB when they started. But its investors are already pushing for other sectors (retail, hospitality) and consumer usage.
At its core, it’s not clear what impact Hoan and Clearview want to create, besides profit.
…
In pursuit of metrics and profits, technology and the world at large is developing in a way that makes the ultimate impact of all these exploratory pursuits utterly unpredictable. Part of that has to do with the fact that there is no target impact in mind, resulting in both incredible and catastrophic results.
Even companies that have clearly defined the impact they want to create have gotten so big that we’re left with a lot of complex contradictions to reconcile.
Maybe saving the planet is your impact goal and you can see yourself working at Amazon not just for the money, but because there’s alignment with the $10B Bezos Earth Fund. But Amazon is also massively reliant on oil and gas to operate the business so, what trumps what?
These aren’t easy things to sift through, but if you want a fulfilling career or a company that aligns with your values, figuring that out requires sorting through this kind of muck.
Progress has been an unwavering goal of humankind and the shape of our world is often left to trusting the moral compass and “good” intentions of corporations and people who have power and influence. But we also know this is not a reliable strategy.
Companies need to make money to survive. But the question doesn’t have to be profit OR responsibility? It can be profit AND what impact do we want to create?
...
The world has a lot of problems that need able, driven people to help solve.
The world also has a lot of beautiful things that need good, caring people to help grow and spread.
On the one hand, it may feel like our efforts are a drop in the ocean. But on the other, the ONLY thing any of us has to contribute is time and effort. Everything that's ever been created and destroyed in our existence is due to our individual drops in the collective ocean.
We can each be an Azel, or create a Cocomelon, or develop a Clearview, or join an Amazon. And each of those actions add up to what happens in our world.
If you’re considering what the next step in your life is and you want meaningful work, don’t forget to define what impact you want to create. It matters no matter how many steps removed you think you are from the end result.
🙏,
Pam
On Job Titles
Titles can be elevating. They can give us a sense of worth and status. They can make us feel good when people ask what we do and we say, “I’m the ___ at ___."
Titles can be constraining. They can be less than what we think we deserve and inaccurate in depicting our full value. We may not want to use it when people ask what we do.
Titles carry a lot of weight in certain crowds. They can prompt more focus and interest from the listener, who suddenly thinks we’re way more interesting now that we’ve said a few words that qualifies our value.
Titles don’t mean a thing in other crowds, where people couldn’t give two shits whether we’re a dishwasher or a Head of blah blah blah. They want to know what we’re about and what we’re into.
Titles can be a quick way to evaluate success and how well we’re doing in life. Our parents may tell their friends about their kid's great job as the ___ at ___, even though they have no idea what we do. Meanwhile, we dream about quitting everyday.
Titles can lead people to think we’re not doing as well as they think we should based on a standard that doesn’t actually matter. “Didn’t she go to ___ school? I thought she’d be ___ by now.” Yet we’re the healthiest we’ve ever been, living the best life we ever have, and are the most fulfilled humans out there.
Titles are meant to serve as short descriptions of responsibility and seniority. They’re meant to be useful in identifying career paths, skillsets, and progression. They're rewards for a job well done.
But they’re also often intertwined with our identity. It starts to be an easy way to introduce ourselves to people. The headline on LinkedIn, the bios on IG or Medium, the nametags at events, etc. We start to rely on them as identifiers and are at risk of feeling lost without them.
But there are many moments when we lose them… layoffs, transitions, retirements, taking a break, entrepreneurship, maternity/paternity, etc. Or we take on new titles or old ones evolve.
So, who are we with and without them? What defines us if not our title? What do we do for ourselves, our customers, the causes that matter to us, the world?
The clearer those answers are, the easier it’ll be to face all the social and societal pressure that will constantly challenge what we believe.
Managers, recruiters, teachers, friends, family may all mean well, but they’re not responsible for what we do with the time we have and they don’t have to face the reckoning in those silent moments when it’s just us, our inner voice, and the life we’ve lived.
My titles have been brand strategist, account director, strategic planning director, managing director. Depending on the conversation I now use career strategy coach, executive coach, consultant.
But the value I provide is clarity and direction. On careers. On businesses. On brands. On lives.
No matter the titles we're assigned, it's our responsibility to be clear on the value we create. To know it to the core. Live it fully. Remind ourselves regularly. And be skeptical of anything that makes us doubt our clarity.
As we gain new experiences, factor it into our growth. Evolve our value as needed. Reaffirm our conviction. And repeat.
🙏,
Pam
On Tragedy As Motivation
Ben Margot, AP Images (edited)
I started writing about David Stern‘s death last week, but then Kobe and Gigi and 7 more loved ones died.
The day before the crash, I was crossing Fifth Avenue when I started thinking about fulfilling work…
How happy and grateful I was to be doing the work I’m doing.
That I hope everyone finds this energy and fulfillment.
That so many of us are unsatisfied with our work.
That sometimes we need a shock to our system to spark change.
That too often tragedy is that shock.
That we don’t need tragedies to wake us up to commit to a better life.
Because… what a waste of time.
I'll write about this next week.
~
I was working at a coffeeshop on Sunday when I read the news. Shock. Denial. Tears.
The guy next to me was a Kobe fan, originally from India, and said the Lakers were the only team people in India followed when he was growing up. I started crying so, he asked if I was ok and rubbed my back. (In this climate where we’re hypersensitive to if/how/when we touch other people, it was really nice for a stranger to volunteer comfort without hesitation, human to human.)
I thought about Kobe’s family. Vanessa. The pilot. Others onboard. LeBron. Magic. My friend Terrence, the biggest Kobe fan I know. My basketball family. The woman who accused him of rape in Colorado.
Life is complicated. People are messy. Tragedies are sad. Deaths are final. Life is still very short.
I thought about my friend, Dillon, who died suddenly two years ago. How his way too early death resparked my desire to help people figure out what to do with their lives. That was January 2018.
I got after it for a few weeks. Then life got in the way, as we say. A cross country move, work getting busy, another move, then a personal black hole, etc. But quite simply, I didn’t fully commit. I didn’t do the work. And I chose other things to invest my time in.
I thought about the second day of this new year when the highest ranking officer in the Taiwanese military and seven more loved ones died in a Blackhawk crash on a routine mission.
I was with my mom when we heard the news and it shook her. She shed tears for days and soon was talking about how precious life was, how she needed to put her health first, how she had to plan her path to retirement this year, and how she wanted to enjoy the years she had left.
I remembered the times she said something like this before. After 9/11. After her car crash. After my dad’s mom died. After planes dropped out of the skies. After oceans flooded cities. After bombs were dropped on other humans.
I wondered if it would stick this time. Or if it would only last as long as the sadness of the loss intertwined with her own sense of time and mortality.
~
We sometimes interpret events as “signals” or “signs” to make a change and other times as “noise.” But really, our decisions around which are “signals” are entirely subjective. The things we call “signs” are happening all around us, all the time. We just choose which ones to make meaning of and which ones to ignore.
The more shocking an event is, the more meaning we may assign that “signal” because our world was so rocked. But even those are hard to sustain, especially without a clear vision of what we want to change, why we want to do it, and how we’re going to make it happen.
Just like motivation and inspiration, energy from external forces is in short supply. They’re not sources of sustainable fuel that help us get out of bed each day, primed to do our best work.
Leadership will not be consistently motivational. Companies will not be endlessly inspiring. Our work will not be infinitely exciting. Tragedies will not be permanently meaningful.
But that’s what dreams are for. Or whatever word you prefer… purpose, passion, mission, meaning, goal, objective, vision, desire. That’s what’s constant after all the emotions settle down into normal life.
It’s our job to clarify what we want, focus on the goal, and put in the reps to create our own fuel. Otherwise, we’re just in the Matrix... living, but not alive.
Kobe said variations of the same message over and over… Don’t speak/cry/bitch about it. Be about it.
Yes, to be a champion. Yes, to be great at what we do. Yes, to own our dream and to put in the work. But in its simplest form, because life is still too damn short whether something tragic reminds us of it or not. And there’s no time to waste if there's shit you want to do.
As we mourn, then start to heal, then continue on with everyday life, it’s too easy to go back to the status quo.
If you’ve been inspired to do differently than you are, what will you do? And how will you ensure that the spark you were gifted doesn’t settle into complacency?
And after we figure that out, we’ll have some glorious days. And some good days. Some routine days. Some boring days. Some bad days. And some straight up shitty days.
But the up and down is the norm. And all of it is a lot harder to get through if we don’t know what we want to do, why we’re doing it, and how we plan to get there.
Love Kobe or not. Believe the #MambaMentality or not. It’s still our job to figure out why we’re here and what the hell we truly want to do with all this limited, priceless time we have.
It’s 100% possible for all of us to figure it out if we do the work. And I wish that for all of you.
Peace and love, 🙏
Pam
On A Job Just Being A Job
Sometimes a job is just a job and it’s exactly what we need. We have it so we can pay down bills, support ourselves/our family, save for something big, get out of debt (or into it), have stability, or serve some other life purpose.
A job just being a job is completely admirable, if we're clear on why we’re doing it. Without that, it’s easy to start feeling unfulfilled, like we’re not creating value, or we’re stuck.
It's also ok to want more from our work. It’s ok to want to feel fulfilled. It’s ok to want to create value. These things give us meaning and make us feel like we’re doing something worth our while.
On the flip side, if we want all those things from our work and aren’t getting it, we may start to resign ourselves to that reality with stories like we’ll never find those things, we’re expecting too much, we should be grateful for the paycheck, and maybe a job should just be a job. But all that makes it harder to get ready for work each day.
Either way, our work is not going to fulfill all the parts of us that need fulfilling and give us a complete sense of purpose. And neither will a relationship, or a new home, or a puppy, or a child. They’re component parts, but it’s way too much pressure to put on any one thing or person.
But we can start by defining why we're here at all, what it means to be fulfilled, and what creating value looks like. Then we can look at the component parts and consider what we need from each of them.
If we start there, we’ll be far better equipped to find the work, the relationships, the places, the activities, and all the other things we want to piece a full life together.
And though life doesn’t guarantee we’ll find them all, at least we’ll know what we’re looking for.
Much Love,
Pam
On Using Jealousy, Pride, FOMO, and Other Annoying Feelings We Feel
There are many human tendencies I wish I didn’t have. Comparing myself to others, jealousy, and fomo are at the top of that list.
On a beautiful 74 degree day in the first week of this brand new decade on an 11+ mile hike in Yang Ming Shan National Park with nine 65+ year olds (most were 70+), I was annoyed for being a weak human feeling all three of these.
This meetup happens almost every Friday around 8am at one of the nicest Starbucks I’ve ever seen at the base of Yang Ming Shan. (Shan, 山 = mountain in Chinese.) Sometimes 3 people make it. Sometimes 20.
They grab coffee, sit in the outdoor courtyard, eat breakfast, and catchup on life as they wait for everyone to arrive. Together, they hike anywhere from 10-15 miles, usually with a break for a delicious lunch at the same family-run, mountainside restaurant that costs about 200NT ($6 USD) per person. Sometimes when they’re done, they go for a soak at one of the local hot spring baths that come with a side of dinner.
I was amongst great company with interesting stories, ate great locally grown food, and saw great views of Taipei. Life was great, great, and more great.
But even doing activities as enjoyable as these and feeling as great about life as I felt, I still found myself comparing my stamina to people twice my age. Priding myself in being first in our caravan and not being out of breath despite having no cardio practice.
It’s embarrassing, but it feels good to be better than others. Even at utterly inconsequential and uncompetitive activities. It’s a confidence boost in the moment, but it isn’t a sustainable source of value.
Then jealousy.
I was a guest in a beautiful community of retirees enjoying their retirement in an active, healthy, and rewarding way that fostered friendship, exercise, appreciation of nature, and being present. I was so happy for them, but so incredibly jealous.
I wanted their freedom to plan their time however they wanted and pursue hobbies they enjoyed. I wanted to belong to such a supportive community with their kind of camaraderie. I wanted to be outside and in nature as often as they were. I wanted to be that financially secure to not have to worry about making money again.
The fomo part is standard. I had to meet my mom so, couldn’t continue on the last mile of the hike to the hot spring restaurant combo and cheers the day with my new friends. Yes, first world problems, but I, like many of you, want it all!
Someone told me I was in better shape than them… pride.
Someone congratulated me for starting a business and told me about theirs… pride and jealousy.
Someone just doubled their salary… jealousy.
Someone’s going to Belize to get scuba certified… jealousy and fomo.
Someone’s pushing their baby around in the middle of the day… more jealousy and fomo.
These are all annoying feelings to feel when we want to be better humans who are above petty thoughts. BUT they’re a great source of information if we choose to use them as such.
They show us we’re flawed and are clues/prompts to consider why feeling “better than” was valuable in the first place, what exactly we want that made us jealous of someone else or feel fomo, and what we might be feeling deficient about that made those feelings viable in the first place. If you think you're clear on what you want, they can still help validate or test your hypotheses.
There are a lot of ways to identify what we want from our career and life, but we often lean into the positive, dreamy, and aspirational means. Our hopes, passionate interests, purpose and values, vision boards, etc.
Those are important, but the not-so-fun (yet very normal) feelings we berate ourselves for are often overlooked as informative and pushed to the side because they’re uncomfortable. If we can sit with the discomfort just a little longer, accept that this is normal human behavior, and tap into our resourcefulness, we can turn those annoying feelings into insightful fuel.
We experience them regardless so, taking advantage of them seems far more productive than fighting their existence and thus, ourselves in the process.
Much Love,
Pam
PS… One thing to keep in mind, the problem with collecting inputs is that they can get overwhelming when we start to think about ALL the things we want in ALL the aspects of life and how hard it’s going to be to get ALL of them. Our brain can only think, organize, and process so much before it’s overloaded. So, write things down, organize your thoughts, and process them coherently outside of your head. We do it at work all the time. So, we can certainly do it for ourselves as well.
On The Value of Idealism
Recently, I had a conversation with a family friend about outlooks on life and it reminded me how much I still believe in the value of having ideals. He’s in grad school to be a filmmaker and expressed doubt that he was doing the work he should be doing if he cared so much about the world’s problems.
I'm currently taking an optimistic realist approach to life, but posited that people who want to change the world absolutely need to be idealistic about their causes because what fuel would keep them going otherwise?
There isn't enough time for us to do all the jobs we want to do or think we should do. And the problems in this world can seem so big that if we go down the rabbit hole, it can feel like there’s no point in trying, everything’s going to shit, and we should just netflix and order takeout to give ourselves one small slice of joy while we still can.
But if someone’s idealistic about the power of storytelling and how much seeing themselves represented on a theater screen matters, then that’s exactly the work they should be doing. Otherwise, no one would write books, paint paintings, or make movies that teach us, help us feel seen, show us a different perspective, or make us laugh.
Or if you believe in saving the environment by using a metal straw, going vegan, running analytics for Beyond Meat, marketing a plastic wrap alternative, or doing business development for a renewable energy startup, all that adds up to serving your ideal.
It DOES NOT have to be big and grand to matter.
There are endless ways for the thing(s) you're idealistic about to come to life. Which means there are endless ways for you to contribute to the world you believe in.
Changing the world isn’t done by any one person even if your name is Ghandi, King, Oprah, Jobs, or Kardashian. It's easy to forget that it’s done by individual actions, every day, on all sorts of projects, big and small, all over the globe.
Idealistic is not an adjective I use to describe myself these days, though it used to be one of the first. But this conversation reminded me that I’m far less effective and useful to this world if I don’t do work that's most compelling to me that sits at the intersection of personal ideals and world value. And that I’m an absolute idealist about the power of care, awareness, and empathy to change the world (which starts with helping people do work they want to be doing and live lives they want to be living).
Asking yourself “What am I idealistic about?” isn’t the only question to help you consider how to spend your time, but it’s a good place to start.
The domino and cumulative effect of each of us doing a little something to serve our ideals is massive and it'd be a shame for us to not try.
Much Love,
Pam
On The Actions We Take Each Day
The end of each year is primetime for content about dreams and goals and new-year-new-you mantras. And while I’m a superfan of getting clear on dreams and aspirations, no dream was ever accomplished without countless, ongoing, tiny actions that add up to the whole. So, while your inbox is filled with grand New Year’s resolution content, I thought I’d consider the flip side and go small.
Historically, I’ve had a difficult relationship with the small steps. My brain tends towards dreamy ideals and big ideas… the kind of thinking that usually makes them grow even loftier. As a result, I’ve often struggled when it comes to the doing. I would get overwhelmed with how big it seemed, how hard it’d be to accomplish, and whether I should even try. I’ve gotten things done, but it was not pretty behind the scenes.
(That’s how an idea from 2015… this baby you’ve let into your inbox 🙏... takes four years to come to life.)
In starting this, I’ve had to break down the dreams into smaller goals, then those into manageable projects, then those into actionable daily to dos. I’ve also had to start adjusting ingrained habits that got in the way of where I want to be and managing my mindset when self-doubt and other negative thoughts creep in. If you've mastered all this., cheers!
Compared to how much others got done, I used to think I was lacking in inspiration or motivation or willpower. But I’ve realized those are usually limited in supply and inconsistent in delivery, which makes them unreliable sources of action fuel. What's worked for me is having a clear plan that I can reference and execute when I get stressed out.
In the most stripped down basic terms, there’s simply work to be done and we either do it or we don’t.
Calling it all “work” is broad so, for the sake of clarity I’ll list out the components parts:
The dream. (Why do we want this and what does it tangibly look like?)
The plan to achieve the dream. (How will we bring this to life?)
The person that will execute the plan to achieve the dream. (Who do we need to be to get everything done?)
What happens on the daily* is us defining and seeing all of this through. If we want more adventure, love, money, joy, prestige, health, me time, impact, etc. what are the small things that need to happen to our habits, mindsets, routines, and to do lists so we get closer to what we want?
Every 24 hours is another baby step that carries us through this life, whether we choose to take it or not. And while December 31 is a natural time to think about what we’re doing with our time here, hit reset, and start fresh (though any day is a good day for that), the only thing that ultimately matters is the follow through each day after.
Thanks so much for reading. Happy New Year, y’all!
Pam
*Figuratively. It’s ok to take days off to rest, chill, recharge. Though I’d make the case, that’s all part of getting you there. :)