On Figuring Out What We Need

How are you doing? is a question we’re asking each other a lot these days.  And living in NYC, a recurring question from friends who live elsewhere has been: 

Are you ok out there?  and  Is it really as scary as it seems from the news?

My response, after a few days of adjusting, has been... 

I’m grateful and fortune-favored.  Sometimes I’m sad and heartbroken and frustrated at our government’s response, but it’s a small percentage of the time and it’s far outweighed by the courage and strength and kindness I see and read about everyday.  

I’m so lucky to have my health, the option to WFH, food, a home, and loved ones to video chat with.  I’m doing what I can to give back and enjoying hobbies I’ve missed like cooking. But otherwise, I'm focusing on the things I can control and being the change I want to see.  And I STILL don’t have enough time to do all the things I want.

But it’s still a scary time.  

The frontlines are scary.  Being at a hospital, morgue, nursing home, etc. facing life and death everyday must be terrifying and exhausting and demoralizing.  Appropriate PPE is severely lacking and some of the conditions are criminal.  So, I think about those people and thank them at least once a day. 

But being at home can also be scary whether you’re an overwhelmed parent, unemployed, job searching, fighting with your partner, or feeling lonely.

It’s been scary for everyone.  No matter what circumstances you’re in.

I don’t often write about tactics, but here’s what I’ve done for my sustainability in case it’s helpful.

1. Take time to figure out what I'm feeling and address it.

The adjustment period is real.  We’ve been forced to adjust to massive changes in an extremely short period of time under an umbrella of fear and uncertainty.

Whatever you’re feeling is valid and exactly what you should be feeling.  There’s no right or wrong way to respond.  And for the non-feelers, it might be a good opportunity to give those weird sensations called feelings some room to be and breathe.

Taking a moment (or days, weeks, whatever you need) to acknowledge and address fear, anxiety, confusion, sadness, etc. and grieve the losses suffered during this time is not just valuable but productive.  

Not trying to take action right away gives us time to understand what’s really going on inside our heads and then solve what actually needs solving.  

My immediate response was to ACT.  I’m a problem solver and planner and those are my go to tactics when faced with a challenge.  I was in the middle of a road trip so, I bought way too many cleaning supplies and non-perishables along the way, then started to research where I could rent a place outside of NYC. 

After a few nights of staying up late to research long term rentals in Vermont, distances to local hospitals, and whether they had pulmonologists on staff (yes, really), I realized I needed to stop and figure out what was driving my action and what I really felt.  

I sorted that I was sad the trip I’d planned for 6 months was cut short before it started.  I felt anxious about so many unknowns, like what NYC was really like on the ground and how bad it could get.  I was scared about not having healthcare access if I needed it.  I felt stressed about creating the “right” COVID-19 strategy and being prepared.

But I didn’t have firsthand NYC data points to inform a clear picture of what I was dealing with, so the first step was simply to go home.  Then gather info and assess the situation.

Now that I’ve been back for almost three weeks, I couldn't be happier to be in my own apartment with my stuff, nesting, cooking, and sleeping in my own bed.  I’m lucky to not be an essential worker and can focus on optimizing my life in a few hundred square feet.  

I still feel sad when I read stories of those who’ve died and frustrated when I see another story about institutional failures, but bad things will continue to happen in life.  This is where #2 comes in.


2. Figure out my current priorities and what I need to be set up for success (mentally, physically, financially, etc.).

Once I gave myself time to feel and grieve the initial shock and impact (that process isn’t done, but the upfront heavy lifting has transitioned into a steady maintenance), I sorted what I wanted life to look like for the foreseeable future and what I wanted to accomplish in that time.

Here are the ingredients I need for success: 

Clear Priorities - For life.  For the Month.  For the week.  For the day.  I have a prioritization framework that helps me evaluate where I need to focus my attention and make decisions.  I usually do this once a quarter, when there’s a major life shift, or whenever I need to reevaluate my priorities.  Let me know if you want to learn more about how I do this and I can share that next week.

Gratitude - I’m so damn grateful for the option to work remotely.  To have savings.  To have a home and food.  To have my health and insurance.  To have options.  I don’t say this in a preachy, count-your-blessings-and-remember-how-much-better-off-you-are-than-others kind of way.  I mean this in a figure-out-what-you-are-truly-grateful-for-and-practice-feeling-grateful-for-it kind of way.

Joy & Humor - Happiness and Laughter are soul food.  Finding little things that bring me joy or make me laugh then taking the time to actually appreciate it.  For me it’s been organizing my closet, buying myself flowers, making cookies, eating cookies, singing and dancing when I hear a song I love, and watching videos like Some Good News with John Krasinski.

Connection - I’ve spoken with my mom way more than usual.  I’ve used Zoom, Facetime, Houseparty, Instagram Video Chat, Slack Video Chat, Hangouts, WebEx, GoToMeeting to connect with friends and network.  I’ve texted so many people I haven’t talked to in a long time to see how they are.  I’ve written letters just because.  If you’re able to cuddle your kid, kiss your dog, have sex with your partner, show affection for someone you love... now’s a great time!

Movement - Our bodies need to move!  For my physical and mental health, and to balance my excessive snacking I’ve had to be way more intentional about movement since I’m walking much less.  Each week, at minimum, I’ve been trying to do yoga twice, 30m of HIIT, and walking at least a mile three times.

Kindness & Helping Others - It simply feels good to help other people, especially when we feel helpless.  At my most depressed times in life, helping others was always a key component to getting out of my funk.  I’ve made baked goods to give to homeless people.  I’ve donated to COVID-19 grassroots efforts like this one 3D printing faceshields for healthcare workers.  I’ve delivered groceries to people who are most at-risk with Invisible Hands and signed up for delivering to healthcare workers in hospitals with Meals 4 Heroes.  I’ve volunteered at food pantries where they have a volunteer shortage through In It Together.  If you're willing and able, I'm sure there's help needed in your neighborhood.


3. Control what I can.

My mindset.  My actions.  How I spend my time.  (Like on the stuff above.)  That's kind of it so, choose wisely. 


I hope you all figure out what you need for your own individual success right now.  Getting ourselves right first makes it a lot easier to be there for those around us.


Cheers to love and luck, safety and sanity.

🙏🙏,

Pam