On Honoring How Michelle Go Lived
I started a piece about facing fear before I read the news about Michelle Go. The topic still feels pertinent, but I’ll wait till next week as honoring how she lived her life seems more valuable right now.
To my AAPI community, I hope you’ve found joy despite this painful news and are taking time to make sense of your emotions. I want to acknowledge your experience and while I don’t know your pain intimately, I share it.
I didn't know Michelle, but her death hit closer than any other in the AAPI community the past few years.
She isn't an immigrant elder, as so many victims have been. She was a knowledge worker at Deloitte. A kind soul whose actions lined up with her beliefs. An active volunteer with the New York Junior League, ironically, helping the homeless get back on their feet. A Bay Area native turned New Yorker. A UCLA and NYU alum. 40 years young, waiting for a subway on a Saturday morning, when a homeless person pushed her onto the tracks.
Michelle could’ve been any one of us.
There are no reports of racial motivation, but the challenge is anytime there is an AAPI victim and a hate crime is not clearly communicated in the attack, it's impossible to divorce the possibility of it being racially motivated, consciously or subconsciously, when there is 150+ years worth of xenophobic history activated by a more targeted campaign the last 2 years that has permeated the (sub)conscious of the mentally ill, the ignorant, the racists, and the emotionally underdeveloped.
After a while, it stops mattering why someone did it when people who look like you keep getting attacked. It's a constant reminder that you're a potential target to anyone you come across at any time of day, anywhere.
But we still have full lives we want to live. So, how do we proceed?
We'll each have to find our own way of navigating the world alongside our fear and anxiety, but a few words from Michelle’s vigil/rally this past Tuesday struck me about how she might've handled this.
Her friends spoke of her fearless approach to life, how she took chances, and how she lived life to the fullest. These words are from her friend, Kim Garnett...
What Michelle would want you to take away…
Go do the things that matter to you. Don’t wait for tomorrow to give your permission or grant yourself time.
Contribute. Whether it’s work, volunteering, being a good friend… do something.
Like what you do. We had so many conversations about whether what you’re doing is worth the time you’re spending on it. She really loved finance and helping her clients really work through challenging situations. Figure out what that equivalent is for you.
Have fun.
40 years feels so short, but I get the sense that Michelle got more out of her 40 years than most do in much longer lifetimes.
That seems like the hallmark of a life well lived and I wish that for all of us.
🙏🙏,
Pam
PS - I’m grateful we were able to learn more about Michelle and understand her a bit better as a unique human. Crimes against the AAPI community show the socioeconomic gaps within our communities. Many victims have been elderly, poor, non-English speakers who don’t have public or active online lives and don’t have people sharing their stories. The details about who they are, what they loved, and how they lived are few and far between. It doesn’t make them any less human and their trauma any less painful, it just makes them less known to us. Despite that, I hope you’ll keep them in mind and consider what actions you can take within your circle of power to do as Michelle did... Contribute.
PPS - If you're able to do your job remotely and are nervous about going back to work, talk to HR about getting a WFH concession for anxiety. Anti-Asian attacks and identity driven issues are not sufficient legal reason to get concessions, but anxiety is. Consult an employment lawyer to get specifics.
On Dreaming Up New Worlds
“Need to dream up a new world with you.”
My dear friend Tejal, a brilliant yoga and social justice leader, sent me this message last week and it was the perfect antidote to my wallowing in helplessness about the overwhelming problems in our world.
I felt weighed down by covid, the holidays, marking another 365 days gone by, and the gradual return to business as usual when business as usual never worked for people of color, the marginalized, the poor, the disabled, and the unconsidered. Then 2022 started with a slough of January 6th anniversary stories about the demise of US democracy.
Tejal’s words snapped me back to the moment at hand where we can only focus on what is within our power. Sometimes an outside voice is needed to wake us up from whatever trance we’ve fallen into.
Ironically, my work is helping people paint their dreams so we can map out the steps needed to accomplish their (seemingly) daunting goals, but I needed someone else to remind my impatient brain to do the same.
Change doesn’t happen without the seeds of new dreams planted by everyday people like us, who imagine the world we want to exist in and then do the work to make it happen.
This is the only way the world evolves towards better. This is the only way WE evolve towards better.
Some of us might want to save the world from whatever ill we think is most pressing and some of us may want to have a steady paycheck with predictable hours and insurance so we can spend as much time as possible on a passion project.
It doesn’t have to be grand by any measure but your own. It can be anything, as long as you’re true to your most daring dreams and freed from your fear of not accomplishing it.
We get so easily caught in What if it doesn’t work out? that we forget to focus on What if it does?
And even when we’re clear on our dreams and living into our dream lives, it’s worth doing the exercise of dreaming up a new world if we haven’t done it in a while to push the limits of what we think is possible and to ensure we haven’t missed incorporating something that’s become newly meaningful to us.
I’ve walked my talk for a long time and have lived various versions of my dream life, but have also felt quite stagnant and depressed at times, which I accept as part of the flow of life.
2020 and 2021 were joyful and fulfilling despite the downs, BUT I so needed Tejal’s words because I haven’t tested my boundaries since 2020, when I co-founded Agency DEI after getting fed up with the lack of progress in advertising. We’re now tracking year over year workforce diversity data to ensure transparency and accountability. But over the last year, the overwhelming challenges of sustainable change wore down my hope that we could make a difference.
It is specifically at these junctures where the fight is won or lost. Whether you give up or keep going. And the battle is almost always waged inside our heads.
The overwhelming challenges of any sustainable change, whether it’s changing our diet or changing an industry, will force us to confront our desire to keep going.
These challenges can be suffocating, but it’s our job to fight for our breath of fresh air and keep going. Otherwise, wtf are we doing here?
Dream up a new world is the necessary call to action to the tortuous question of how do we solve the biggest challenges of our lives.
And if this sounds too idealistic or unrealistic, dreams are by definition idealistic and by nature unrealistic. But only in the present tense. Idealism and unrealism coupled with strategy and action are how humans have evolved for eons.
Our world is at once so beautiful and so broken. And it needs the dreamers and doers in all of us to dream up our new worlds and commit to making them real so we can all change our lives and the world for the better.
Collectively, our individual drops in the ocean can tip the scales towards beautiful if we each take the baby steps towards our dream worlds, but only if there’s a dream to start with.
So, what does your dream world entail? I'd love to hear your answers and will read them all.
🙏🙏,
Pam
On What More Money Means
We all want more money.
But we also know more money doesn’t equal more happiness.
Money is, however, a means. So the question is… a means for what?
Since elementary school, my mom pushed me towards traditionally stable paths in the name of securing my future. I told her that I didn’t care about money as long as I had enough to live, that happiness was far more important, and that she had her priorities wrong.
It took me years to understand that emotional security was her core motivator and financial stability was her means.
This singular focus led her to make choices that brought her continents away from her family, her community, and other things she valued in life. The pursuit of more money and other traditional things that indicated success satisfied her core need for security.
But using that as the ultimate filter with little else factored in netted her a retirement account with limited personal fulfillment.
I wish I could’ve slowed her down and convinced her to consider… What do you want more money for?... so she could solve for that instead of... How do I get more money?
So, what do we want more money for? I’ll go first...
To give a homeless person a $20 instead of a $5 without thinking twice.
To pick up the bill for a night out with friends just because.
To live and work from Greece in the summer and mountains I can ski in the winter.
To support my parents’ retirement so they don’t have to worry about having enough.
To book a last minute getaway to a warm beach because my body needs some sun and salt water, regardless of cost.
To have a home I feel recharged in, filled with sunlight and views that stretch for miles.
To support and provide a safe place for kids that need homes.
To help more people do work that fulfills them so they show up stronger for themselves, their loved ones, and their communities.
To fund my DEI and corporate accountability work without worrying about grants.
To spend more time solving problems in my community without sacrificing my lifestyle.
Money allows us to live the life we want and defining that requires specificity with individual rationale (i.e. our unique why). Too often we inherit goals from society/our families or we set really broad ones that lack meaning.
But pursuing more money in service of the specific life we want and impact we aim to make are far more sustainable sources of fuel with far more fulfilling outcomes than the pursuit of money alone.
The final days of the year prompt all kinds of thoughts about life improvements and money is an inextricable part of that. We all want to secure the bag, but a full bag doesn’t equal a full life in the same way an empty one doesn’t equal an empty life.
So in addition to getting yours in 2022 and beyond, I wish you all the specific clarity of what life and impact that’ll enable you to have. And I hope those dreams are as big and true to you as you can make them… before your practical voice gets in the way.
Cheers to a new year as full as the bag we all want… Happy (almost) 2022! 🍾🥂
Pam
On Your Career Being A Solution
(Reading Time: ~ 4:20 or Listening time: ~ 5:30)
I haven’t written in a while and the reason is in the headline. I’ll explain…
“Why are you here?” is a question I often ask clients in our first conversation.
Most don’t have an answer. And few have ever considered the question.
Instead, many of us try to answer, “What do I want to do?” Which can create an existential angst as it implies there’s a definitive insight we should know about ourselves yet somehow don’t.
But what if I told you it’s backwards. That we’re trying to decide what action to take before we know what problem we need to solve.
That it’s like picking a house to buy before you know why you need one, where you want to live, who you’re going to live with, how much space you need, and how much you can spend.
“What do I want to do for what?”
To make money? To fix something wrong with our world? To feel valued? To tell underrepresented stories? To have health insurance? To bring a smile to someone’s face? Or to help your parents with retirement?
The answers (yes, there's more than one) to “What do I want to do?” should be solutions to the many problems we’re trying to solve.
And to identify the problems we're trying to solve, we start with... “Why are you here?”
From age 10 to 32, I would’ve told you I was here to work in sports, explore the world, and live my version of happiness. To check off as many bucket list countries to visit, mountains to ski, and restaurants to try; live and work from wherever I want; and help people along the way.
From 32 onwards, I realized I’m here to help people find meaningful work they love so they can be better for themselves and thus their friends, families, and communities.
Because two thirds of the U.S. is unhappy or unfulfilled at work and that’s no way to live.
Because I’ve experienced how job stress and dissatisfaction contribute to dysfunction at home and dissatisfaction in life.
Because the problems in our world are only getting bigger and we need people to dig in and solve them.
Because wealth and power are increasingly concentrated amongst a select few and everyday people need to reclaim their agency.
Because our work is a vital part of our ability to live the lives we want, to understand ourselves, and to create value in the world.
And because there are many ways I can answer “What do I want to do?” given all of the above, you haven’t heard from me in a while.
Because writing and coaching aren’t why I’m here on this planet. They’re just things I’ve done to action why I’m here.
Throughout 2020, I wanted to do more than sign petitions, protest, and donate. And with the power I had in the spaces I occupied, I felt I could do more to hold companies accountable to the promises they made to create inclusive cultures and address the inequities within their own walls.
Since many of us will be employees somewhere, finding work we love is tough if the places where we work are unhealthy. No matter who I helped through coaching, it was demoralizing when people found dream jobs then experienced a reality that didn't match the story they were sold.
So, I focused most of 2021 on diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) efforts through speaking at companies, writing on LinkedIn, and launching Agency DEI with my co-founders, Amanda Wu and Jo Hayes. We’re tracking workforce diversity data to measure progress annually at ad agencies with an aim to track brands and public companies as well. It’s a long term strategy, but most sustainable solutions are.
I was fortunate to get inbound clients and paid speaking gigs, but I made the conscious (though scary) choice to deprioritize building my business and short-term income because I felt the DEI work was the best way I could create value at that time.
It was a tradeoff that made sense given my goals, needs, and priorities then. I absolutely questioned it many times over, but that’s the value of clarity… The certainty of purpose to stare down doubt, even when it’s your own.
Now, I can refocus on building my group coaching program and writing this newsletter. As an introduction (or a refresher), here are a few pieces I’ve been revisiting because:
Virgil Abloh, 41, just died the day before Chadwick Boseman’s birthday followed by a deadly school shooting - On Tragedy As Motivation
2020/21 reshaped this for me - On The Impact We Create
We’re human and this will keep happening - On Something Better Coming Along
I share all this to say that your career isn’t fixed, your profession is not your identity, and your choices aren’t permanent.
Our decisions should be based on the life we want to live, the realities we experience, and our current priorities. Understand those before trying to answer, "What do I do?" And since our lives are constantly changing, give yourself the room to test and iterate from your decisions and the grace to change your mind.
There is no cohesive narrative you need to live up to. There’s only your life you need to live into.
So, why are you here?
🙏,
Pam
On Something Better Coming Along
Something better can always come along.
A better deal. A better job. A better home. A better partner.
Part of the better is in the newness and novelty.
Part of the better is in the comparison to what we don't have.
Part of the better is in the comparison to what we do have that we're unhappy with.
All of the better is tied to hope, possibility, and transformation.
Hope for a brighter future. The possibility of dreams being realized. The transformation into a better me.
In essence, they hold the potential of a better life.
But no matter what "better" we choose, it will eventually become our everyday reality, normalized in the same way the previous "better" we chose became the mundane.
So to determine whether the "better" is something we actually want (vs. a societal definition we've been given) that turns into the everyday reality that actually results in a better life, we have to specify and detail out what better means to each of us.
Beyond more money, status, and prestige, what does a better job mean to you?
More responsibility to develop skills that will level up your career?
More challenging projects that will push you to learn and grow in your area of expertise?
More engaged leadership that can inspire and lead you to make the impact you want on the world?
More flexibility to set your own hours so you can take care of your mental health in ways that make sense for you?
More empathy so you feel treated like a human instead of a cog in the wheel?
Knowing our unique definition of better helps us recognize it in what we already have and when it appears. But it also empowers us to actively seek it out. Knowing what shape it takes gives us confidence in choosing it as well as asking for it.
It's clearer and more usable than simply wanting better.
🙏🙏,
Pam
On Clarity As Freedom
Having freedom in the way I live my life and use my time has been important to me for over a decade. I didn’t always choose to serve this objective through the years because sometimes other priorities trumped it, but overall I established an important personal definition... flexibility is freedom.
Which is why a podcast episode resonated so soundly with me this week.
In it, Jimmy Lai, a Hong Kong media mogul and outspoken critic of the Chinese Communist Party, discusses being arrested under the new Beijing-sanctioned national security law in Hong Kong and how his life led him to this point.
The story he shares is of a man who’s pursued freedom, in various forms and evolving definitions, from the time he was a child.
Growing up in a China ravaged by famine, food is freedom when you’re starving.
After he built his riches in fashion and retail, he shifted to media after the Tiananmen Square Massacre because he realized information is freedom when you’re oppressed.
Ironically, he may now lose his own as a result of the ways he’s pursued his definition of freedom. But he wouldn’t do anything differently.
It was interesting to hear the interviewer hesitate to accept Jimmy’s choice to give up his freedom/life for his country and continue to suggest that it’s a tough choice to make.
Jimmy answers, “it depends on what you want in life.”
…
Our lives are not playing out on as large of a stage at as grand of a scale with as great of consequences as Jimmy Lai’s, but the parallels in how we make our decisions are exactly the same.
There are no objective good/bad, right/wrong, conventional/unconventional, easy/difficult decisions. It is only by our own definitions can we even begin to judge what matters and makes sense for ourselves.
And when we’re ready to move forward, the bravest decisions we make will often be met with resistance… not just our own out of fear, but from others out of their fears as well. But when I’m clear in what I’m doing and why, it makes it a lot easier to face that opposition.
In the years since I've added another important personal definitions… Clarity is freedom. It allows me to make and go forth with the scariest decisions because there’s no question about the right or wrongness of my choices. It’s simply THE choice.
I hope none of us have to face a choice in which jail could be the end result. But I do hope that all of us can have Jimmy’s conviction in the definition of what we want from this life we live.
Going into this weekend, it might be freeing to consider... What would free us from the plight we’re currently dealing with? And if we're still defining the plight we're dealing with, then that could be an equally freeing step to take as well.
🙏🙏,
Pam
On Making Sense Of What's In Our Heads
I was asked a question by a prospective client that surprised me this week. It came after explaining my approach to figuring out what we want and how all the information we need is in our heads.
But is it really already in our heads? What if it’s just not there? (paraphrasing)
I had to take a beat to process what this question was really getting at and remember what it felt like all those times I felt stuck, hoping for answers to appear.
What I registered was the honest concern that we simply may not have the answers to the questions that plague us most, like... What do we want? And if that’s the case, what do we do then?
Taking a moment to consider the alternatives… where else would the answers come from?
We wanted liberation from our parents to live our lives how we want (as defined by us).
We wanted liberation from schools to let us dress, speak, act the way we want (as defined by us).
We want(ed) liberation from our companies to let us work how we want (as defined by us).
So if we want liberation from the current state of boredom, stuckness, lostness, confusion, idea swirl, indecision, analysis paralysis to live how we want… who else would define that for us?
So, my answer is… Yes. It’s all there! It may not be neatly packaged in the form of explicit directions for happiness and it may look different for each of us, but it is 100% there.
The challenge is extracting it, processing it, and making sense of it all. We can quickly get confused by the numerous (and sometimes competing) surface level thoughts, which already pull us in different directions, that we're exhausted at step 1. But if you push through that step, I guarantee there is clarity on the other side.
I equate it to a jigsaw puzzle or random ingredients in our fridge. When er look at each individual item, it’s not clear how it’s going to add up to a cohesive whole and it’s confusing where to even begin. But as we start to organize them and give them structure, we can start to see what the possibilities are.
It’s not easy to get to clear conclusions. There is work to put in. So I don’t mean to say that magic answers exist in the recesses of our brains and we just have to dig them out.
Instead what we’re extracting are the raw materials of our inspiration. The ingredients list that make up the sum whole of possibility that excites each of us, uniquely.
Once we do the brain dump, then starts the next step of processing and organizing, so that we can distill those ingredients into something usable and actionable… insights that can guide us towards a decision we feel confident about.
So… Yes, it is in our heads. And with some work, you can figure out what to do with it. I’m here if you want to chat through it.
🙏🙏,
Pam
On Dreaming Big Dreams
It’s exciting.
To imagine all the things you can do, the places you can go, the experiences you can have, the impact you can create… how your life will feel if you achieve your dreams.
"Dream Big Dreams!" has been Obama’s go to message for little ones. Their entire future is before them and there’s nothing they can’t do.
The irony is that we believe we can do anything when we’re little when we can’t actually do very much at all. Then we slowly stop believing we can do anything as we get older when we can actually do whatever we want.
The world gets more real, the limitations more obvious, the responsibilities more tangible. We get so accustomed to the message about all the things we’re supposed to do and we forget about or stop dreaming up the things we want to do.
It’s also scary.
To think about the fears we have to face, the hurdles we have to overcome, the sacrifices we have to make, the failures that come with going for our dreams at all. Because what will that say about us if we don’t succeed?
The alternative is to not make the attempt. To keep doing what we know. To continue with what’s familiar. To stay within the safe space of the predictable where our mind and body are already comfortable.
That can be a good life if that’s what our ideal is. Happiness can be found in the familiar and the comfortable and the safe. But what if that isn't what we want?
Growth also doesn’t often happen there. And the big dreams that are scary to pursue don’t come true there (short of sheer luck intervening).
Dreams are the ideals, the aspirations, the ambitions that drive us forward. They may or may not happen and they may or may not stay the same, but they are the fuel that powers our lives. They give us the vision of what we could do and who we could be. They help us set goals that give us targets to strive for. They’re the lifeblood of success, however we choose to define it.
If we tell kids to Dream Big Dreams! and they’re all going to grow up like us someday, maybe there should be a message that we live by that makes that advice less short-lived.
Maybe we need to tell our adult selves… Don’t Stop Dreaming!
Here's to the weekend and to Dreaming Big Dreams!
🍻🍻,
Pam
On Oversimplifying
Sometimes there are too many thoughts swirling in our head to understand what we really want.
We analyze this way and that way. Try to unpack it. Imagine what life would look like if we did XYZ. Weigh the consequences. Imagine the various futures.
But when there’s so much to consider and analyze, it can become very overwhelming very quickly. Then all we want to do is turn on the TV.
We may make pro/con lists hoping it will add up to a clear conclusion.
We may ask other people for advice hoping they’ll say something that turns the light bulb on and we’ll know what to do.
We may table it until we’re ready to revisit, which we sometimes do and sometimes don’t.
We want to simplify it into binary terms in the hopes that it’ll be easier to make the right decision.
Tough it out in the current job with good benefits or quit? What title do I type into the search bar? Take the role that pays more or the one I’m more excited about?
We’re complex beings with complex experiences. Our desires are varied and multi-faceted and exist on various planes of time and depth. They don’t often look like a neat checklist.
Instead, they’re often contradictory and competing, which makes it difficult to reconcile the differences. And choosing one might mean sacrificing another, which only adds to the angst.
Trying to decipher this mess in the ether of our brain where endless thoughts can pass through in milliseconds is highly ineffective and easily frustrating.
Our brains are (usually) good processors. But they are rarely good organizers. So, as a starting point, we have to see what we’re working with… Get the thoughts out of our heads and down on paper/screen.
Consider what you want in the farther off future. And I don't just mean the surface stuff like money, possessions, and accolades, but rather the qualities of the experience you want and the motivators that drive you.
What environment do you want to wake up in?
Who do you want to spend your time with?
What problems do you want to solve?
What impact do you want to have?
What do you want to feel each day?
How do you want others to feel after interacting with you?
What skills do you want to use?
What kind of world do you want to live in and how do you want to contribute to it?
Why are you here?
These kinds of questions are directly tied to our day to day experiences and choices. If you’re skeptical, consider what you’ve wondered to yourself when you’ve felt lost or confused about the direction your career or life was going.
What we want from our lives is the foundation on which we build the individual dreams... the dream job, relationship, family, home, etc. Those dreams then inform the goals we set and the priorities we make.
But we often start with chasing the individual dreams without having defined the foundation, then wonder what went wrong when it falls apart.
These days, we want so much more from our work lives than generations past… purpose, passion, joy, fulfillment, money, benefits, travel, friendship, stability, inspiration, impact, community, etc.
It’s a lot to ask. But we can’t even begin to ask for it if we can’t be clear about what exactly we’re looking for.
How can work give us purpose if we can’t define what our own purpose is? How can we ask for more money if we don’t specify a dollar amount? How can we ask to be inspired if we don’t know what inspiration looks like to us? How can we ask for community if we don’t know what we’re looking for in a community?
And it’s not so much that we don’t know… it’s just all in our heads. We don’t often do the work to detail out what these things mean to us specifically, which makes it a lot harder to find the specifics in the real world.
Like any ideal, we won’t get everything we want. But don’t we owe it to ourselves to attempt to define it first before we conclude that what we want doesn’t exist or we should settle for ______?
It’d be easy to end on a cliche and say… Don’t Settle. The sentiment is there, but it’d be lazy and oversimplified.
If we want the reward of a fulfilling career and life, it’s our responsibility to define what specifically that means with details and colors and gradients and depth and personality.
We all want a full, rich life, but that looks very different for every single one of us. We may use similar core adjectives and nouns, but if that’s all we needed the paintings of our lives would look the same… like what we drew on construction paper in our first grade art class.
Paint your own picture with every medium at your disposal, every color in the spectrum, and every ounce of your imagination. And don’t stop adding to it.
The clearer the picture is to you, the clearer your decisions will be because they’ll be rooted in a foundation of your design. It doesn’t have to be a toss up. That just sounds stressful. :)
🙏🙏,
Pam
On What We're Working For
What are you working for?
Is it for the value you’re creating?
The problems you’re solving?
The purpose you’re serving?
The stability you’re experiencing?
The results you’re achieving?
The recognition you’re receiving?
The people with whom you’re collaborating?
The money you’re earning?
The prestige you’re feeling?
The approval you’re getting?
There’s no wrong answer. But we should know what it is and if we’re at peace with it.
If not, it’s an opportunity to evaluate why we’re in the situation we’re in and if it’s still worth it.
It’s hard to get off the track we’re on. It’s usually easier to follow the forward momentum and rinse/repeat.
But the flip side is that sometimes it can feel like our life depends on us getting off that track. To make a conscious choice to stop the train and change course in a direction that makes us feel alive, whole, fulfilled, or whatever-you-need-from-work again.
🙏🙏,
Pam
On Inertia Carrying Us Forward
The annual Macy’s Fourth of July fireworks usually lasts ~30 minutes. It’s estimated to cost ~$6 million for the fireworks alone.
In this year of 2020… of COVID, pandemic, death, quarantine, Great Depression-level unemployment, recession, ongoing brutality and murders by police, BLM, civil unrest, global protests, life on pause… the fireworks will go on.
For six days up to the Fourth, Macy’s is launching a series of 5-minute fireworks displays all around NYC. But they won’t say when or where to avoid crowds gathering. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
They’ve done it for 43 years straight and this will be the 44th.
It’s possible they already purchased the fireworks and couldn’t return them.
It’s possible this will make people, who still have disposable income to spend from the safety of their laptops, spend more money at Macy’s.
It’s possible that they’ve done it for 43 years and they decided they just have to do it for the 44th.
But I can’t help but wonder how those $6 million could’ve been used to help our crises of the moment and solve real problems. Or how they could’ve changed the execution to say more than…
Inertia can carry us forward effortlessly and powerfully without us realizing it’s become our guide.
Just because we can keep going in the direction we’re headed doesn’t mean we should.
This July Fourth break likely won’t look the same for most of us. But I hope it still includes time to rest, time to have fun, and time to take a break from the path we’re on and consider whether that path is still leading us to where we want to go.
If not, what will you do differently?
Wishing you all the safety and sanity and joy! 🎆🎆
Pam
On Company Cultures & Values In Action
Conversations around modern corporate culture often circle around surface level traits like how leadership acts, how many hours are worked, how the office looks, and what fun perks we’ll get.
But the essence of corporate culture is in the cumulative behaviors and environments brought to life by the decisions the company makes and the people it hires, which is a lot harder to evaluate.
Corporate values are initial attempts at establishing the foundations for culture, and they’re easy to write. But living them requires commitment and persistence, which is a lot harder to execute.
For example, DE&I has been “trendy” the last few years, which has resulted in roles and programming created to show progress. But it looks a lot more like checking a box when you look at C-suite, senior management, employee makeup and salaries to evaluate what tangible change and impact has actually resulted.
Then DE&I budgets and initiatives were slashed when COVID hit, but the murders of Ahmaud Arbury, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd have pushed resources back in that direction just two months later.
What I hope is different about this resurgence is that it’s not a trend, but the beginning of fundamental and systemic change that will actually result in real differences for BIPOC, womxn, and other marginalized groups in the corporate landscape.
I don’t have much faith in a top down approach for companies to sustain the momentum on their own because they’re often reactive to crises of the moment. Unless they’re compelled to. And that’s something each of us can do from the bottom up as a current or prospective employee.
I do have faith in this moment, in the humans that want to be part of this movement to advance the momentum beyond our streets, and in the opportunity at hand to hold companies accountable to the things they say they value.
As a starting point to consider how we can push companies to act in accordance with their words on DE&I, here are a few areas companies can audit and action change (and we can ask them about) on race, gender, sexual orientation, and age equality…
Pay equity
Recruiting and hiring practices for open roles at all levels
Performance standards for recruiters to develop diverse networks and present diverse candidates
Talent evaluation methodology for performance reviews, promotions, salary increases, and bonuses
Staffing practices for new projects and opportunities
DE&I responsibilities for managers and leadership that are reflected in performance reviews and compensation
Management, allyship, bias, microaggression training
DE&I business objectives as part of annual strategic planning
These are DE&I specific, but the same approach applies to values across the board.
Does what they do match what they say and can you see the results?
Operationalizing values isn’t an easy lift. Especially when retrofitting them into legacy processes that weren’t developed with those values in the foundation to begin with. But it’s no more complicated than instituting any other process-oriented business priority, assuming it’s a priority.
If it’s important to us that our company’s values align with our own, it’s our job to educate ourselves on what our company’s values are and how they materialize in our day to day work lives. And if we’re not seeing results, it's our responsibility to communicate the changes we want to see and hold our companies accountable.
Our power lies in our collective ability to advance a company’s objectives. They can’t operate without talent. And if more of us choose who we work for based on values in action, in addition to starting salary and unlimited PTO, they will listen. Maybe not immediately, but change doesn’t happen overnight.
After all, unlimited PTO started somewhere.
🙏🙏,
Pam
On Defining The Future We Want
I started thinking about how to craft this piece on Tuesday morning. I went for an early walk, bought a croissant, and found a quiet bench in a beautifully landscaped square as I listened to an interview with the writer and poet, Ocean Vuong.
In it he shared his belief that the future is in our mouths, not just in our hands. I love that notion as it perfectly captured one of my fundamental beliefs about living on purpose and with purpose… that it starts with definition.
Then I heard the news that George Floyd was murdered.
It’s been a sad, heartbreaking, and infuriating week seeing the blatant violence and disregard for life against another black man and the racially charged malintent in the Central Park 911 call against Christian Cooper.
It’s a WTF exclamation point amidst two plus months of quarantine uncertainty and confusion. I thought about whether this idea was relevant when so many people are in pain.
I won’t know for sure that it is, but I do know that one of the main reasons I want to help people live intentional lives doing work that matters to them is because there’s so much that each of us can and want to contribute to the world and if more of us were doing work we found meaningful, I truly believe the world would be a better place.
So, here’s to defining the future that we want in spite of the ugliness in the present that we have.
Much Love,
Pam
...
Bear with me as I start with a few lines of basic math.
24 hours in a 7 day week = 168 total hours.
Averaging 7 hours of sleep in a 7 day week = 49 sleeping hours.
168 total hours - 49 sleeping hours = 119 waking hours in a week.
Let’s use 45 hours as a baseline for time spent at work each week, pre-COVID.
45 working hours out of 119 waking hours = 37.8% of our waking hours spent working.
We can shave off a few percent for time off, but we’re essentially looking at a third of our lives at work.
So, how did you come to the decision of how you’d spend a third of your awake life?
In contrast, it makes me think about how much energy I put into other decisions I make about far smaller fractions of my life. The time I spend looking up restaurant reviews and menus for a 2-hour meal. How much research I do in the months and weeks leading up to a 1-week trip.
My clients and I talk a lot about the importance and value of defining in detail and with specificity what we want, what we don’t want, what matters to us, what we aspire to be, etc.
Definition gives shape and substance to our abstract ideas about purpose and fulfillment and happiness. It gives us a foundation from which to then define the roles we seek, the companies we want to work for, the departments we want to be in, the money we ask for.
For example, it’s a good start to know that you want to do meaningful work that helps people.
But what does meaningful work actually mean to you? What impact do you want to make with the meaningful work you do? How would you define it if you were talking to someone who didn’t understand those words?
And how do you want to help people? There are endless ways we could help others, directly and indirectly. Is it on a larger scale solving problems like racial injustice, police brutality, domestic violence? Or is it more about helping people feel better about themselves through exercise, body image, mindfulness, skincare? Or do you simply want to make someone’s day better with food, laughter, art, flowers, experiences?
Then we can look to define other layers such as what specific problems you want to help solve in your meaningful work to help people. What outputs you want to create. What skills you want to use. What you want to learn. What kind of people you want to be around.
Many of these answers are in our heads, but writing them down and making sense of them in a tangible way can do wonders for processing.
It forces us to be specific and holds us accountable to all the things we say matter to us. And it’s a lot easier to figure out what that next step looks like when we’ve clearly defined oour filters.
I mentioned Ocean Vuong’s idea earlier, but here’s exactly how he so eloquently communicates the heart of my point...
“We often tell our students the future is in your hands. But I think the future is actually in your mouth. You have to articulate the world you want to live in first.”
Wishing you peace and clarity in this time of chaos and uncertainty.
🙏🙏,
Pam
On Living Our Values & Priorities
For the past year I’ve been smiling at more people on the street and sometimes actually saying the word hello, which is a foreign concept in NYC.
Part of that was doing what I wanted to see more of in the world and staying connected to other humans. But it was also part of my strategy to feel less depressed in 2018.
Even though my life on paper was better than ever, I was so caught in my black hole of thoughts wondering what the point of all this was that it disengaged me from the world and kept me from truly appreciating what I had.
So I started with committing to helping one person in need each day with money or food, and taking time to appreciate their experience.
I needed small and direct ways to feel useful and like I had value to give to others. But also, selfishly, to remind myself that there were people with no money, food, or home who were pushing through each day. Not just as a mantra, but viscerally, so I could feel it, not just think it.
It takes action for our values to mean anything and the three that helped me fully engage again were empathy, curiosity, and kindness. They became a means of survival.
Now, with COVID and quarantine, survival mode is activated and I’ve doubled down on using these as part of my strategy.
I took a day off this week to recharge and was on my way to a bakery to treat myself when I saw a homeless man with a green, fleece blanket wrapped around his waist walking towards me. I had a mask and sunglasses on so, I said hello.
He stopped in a way that made me stop and asked, Why did you just say that?
I said, Because I wanted to be friendly and since I’m wearing a mask and sunglasses you can’t see me smile.
We talked a bit about how he was coping and places that usually offer food and shelter being closed. I shared that the city was offering free meals, but he didn’t want help from the government.
I had already given him the dollar I had on me and was ready to end the conversation so, started to wrap it with a statement about priorities… if he cared more about feeding himself there was free food available, but if he cared more about not receiving government support then he might have to go hungrier than needed.
His response was great. He told me he cared more about believing in people coming out to support people in need and that he could get by on that goodness and generosity.
I had so much respect for the clarity he had on his values and priorities that when he asked me if I could buy him some food, I felt like I had to say yes.
I told him I was heading in a certain direction and as long as it was on the way, I was down to help.
He turned out to be quite particular (vegetarian and no processed food) and rather self-centered (he asked to go to places that weren’t on my way and declined one place because he didn’t like the girl’s attitude).
I was frustrated and told him I wasn’t willing to wander around with him to find an open restaurant at 11:30am and felt like he was taking advantage of my generosity. I no longer wanted to help, but he asked if we could check out one last place across the street that looked open.
I was over it, but reluctantly agreed.
When we finally said goodbye I was so annoyed I said hello and got caught in that situation. Then immediately started thinking that maybe I shouldn’t say hi to strangers anymore, especially homeless people.
But then I took a beat.
I chose to engage for reasons that are fundamental to how I want to be in this world and to feel good about myself.
I want to be helpful and he told me how I could help.
I agreed, but didn’t set clear boundaries.
I didn’t tell him what I needed, which was to be done with the situation.
And sometimes embodying the values that matter to me isn’t convenient or comfortable.
I realized that the solution I wanted to proceed with wasn’t to contract and engage with the world differently so this didn’t happen again. But rather figure out a more sustainable way to engage while setting better boundaries so I wouldn’t feel taken advantage of.
This man (he wouldn’t tell me his name) lived his values, understood his priorities, set his boundaries, and stated his needs better than I ever have and I learned so much from our interaction.
Not everything that feels good is good for us.
And not everything that’s good for us feels good.
It’s on us to figure out which is which to determine how best to proceed. And it’s a hard job because there are usually many factors at play… the circumstances, our beliefs, our behaviors, our emotions, our triggers, our upbringings, our defense mechanisms, etc. It’s a lot to sort through.
But if you’re clear on what matters to you (values) and how you want to use your time, money, and energy (priorities) it’s a solid place to begin.
🙏🙏,
Pam
On Facing The Discomfort
This is my third week of DEFINITELY not killing it. The days are blending together. I’m unfocused and unmotivated. I’m questioning all sorts of things about my life and business. I’m tired and lethargic. And wondering if this is a short wave or an emotional tsunami.
But I’m trying to focus on what’s actually real vs. what’s happening inside my head.
And I believe what I preach and am trying to practice it... focus on my own mission and why I wanted to do this work to begin with. Then just keep showing up every day even if all I have to give is my slumped body in front of a computer answering emails, flipping between way too many tabs, forgetting what I was just about to do, and not having a ton to show for it at the end of the day.
In short... Just. Keep. Going.
All the reasons why this email is arriving at almost midnight on a Sunday. Thank you for giving me a space to show up in and I hope you’re not too harsh on yourself if you’re not killing it. Not just during COVID, but in life, period. Just. Keep. Going.
Here’s a piece that took me all week to write and rewrite. My brain feels like mush and I don’t know if it’s coherent, but just showing up is a win this week.
…
For Mother’s Day I dropped off flowers and cookies for the NYC area moms in my life… my aunt, Yi Puo (great-aunt in Mandarin), and stepmom.
My Yi Puo is the woman who raised me from one month to 5 years old... 10-13 hours a day, five days a week.
I have an accurate Mandarin accent because of her. I felt unconditionally loved and cared for because of her. I felt like I belonged somewhere because of her. One of the homiest places in the world is her home because of how she made me feel in my first five years of life.
When I called her on Sunday to make sure she was home and ok with me dropping things off, she sounded super agitated and lamented how awful things are, how I can’t come in and sit with her, and how upset she is to the point where I asked if I shouldn’t come. No, you can come.
When I got there, she spent the first 15 minutes pacing on her porch, cry-venting while I stood a good distance away trying not to get frustrated.
Her son lives with her, but she was sad she couldn’t be with other loved ones and touch them. Some people did a drive by dropoff and didn’t even show their face. When people would show their faces they’d only be there for a few minutes before she’d tell them to leave.
How could the world be like this? What kind of life is this? Will this ever end? It’s not safe to be out… you should just go home.
It was difficult to watch. It reminded me of a little kid (and some adults) throwing a tantrum because they weren’t getting what they wanted. I felt impatient and my stress levels were rising to the point where I did just want to go home.
It’s hard to sit with our own unpleasant feelings let alone someone else’s, especially when we’re stressed ourselves. I took deep, exasperated breaths and tried to give her space to have her emotions.
I asked why she couldn’t enjoy the fact that people were coming to see her even if it was at a distance. Why was she rushing people away if she was lonely?
It took her a few tries to get to the heart of it, but she finally said she didn’t want to feel the sadness and loneliness because it was too much. It was easier to not see people at all.
She breathed heavily and tears started falling down her face. We stood in silence together as she cried.
After a few minutes, the first smile of my visit slowly appeared on her face.
We then talked for 30 minutes about life and the weather and my mom and her granddaughter and all the other things we would usually talk about. It was wonderful.
If she hadn’t taken the initial hit of extremely unpleasant feelings, gone through it even as her whole body was resisting, and got to the other side where it was calm again, we never would’ve had the chance to connect like we normally would. And she wouldn’t have had a few moments of unencumbered joy.
Sometimes there’s a reality we can’t enjoy because we’re too preoccupied with what it isn’t and what we wish it was that we lose the goodness of what it is.
Sometimes reality is so unpleasant or painful, we’d rather ignore it or "remove" it, thinking it will solve the problem and make us feel better.
In either case we also have the option to let the wave crash in and to sit/hang/chat/dance with it as you would a friend who’s going through some shit. There can be clarity and peace on the other side, along with the realization that it won’t drown us.
Then we can move forward and do the living whether that’s laughing with your grand-neice during a pandemic, having that honest conversation with your partner from a vulnerable place (rather than an angry one), figuring out what you really want from life, or growing a business during an economic meltdown.
(I don’t intend to be prescriptive and recognize there are times when something is truly too big to face in that moment, and a revisit would be better. The distinction is in facing it at all vs. avoiding it.)
Out of sight, out of mind is a tactic we all use to cope. Sometimes it works. But for the important life stuff that actually matters, it usually won't work forever.
If something’s been nagging at us, but we’ve set it to the side for a while, it might be worth considering what could be on the other side if we took it head on.
🙏🙏,
Pam
On Individual Sustainability: Building Towards The Life You Want
Last week, I wrote in more detail about Individual Sustainability and how getting our current priorities straight (then actioning them) is a key component of getting our immediate lives in order.
The other part, knowing what kind of life you want, is arguably more critical as it’s a key part of the foundation from which we operate and informs the goals we set. It determines direction a la a North Star.
Clarity on what you’re building towards allows us to make decisions for the short term and plans for the long term that set us up to progress towards what we ultimately want. It helps us determine which targets to aim for so we can chart a path to get there.
It grounds our decision making and gives us a baseline from which to think, but it also serves as a filter when we’re determining our strategy.
But knowing what we want doesn’t just happen in the background while we go about our lives. It requires our attention. It requires our reflection. It requires our time.
It requires us to ask questions like...
Why do I exist?
What am I here to do?
What impact do I want to have?
What value can I create?
How can I help others?
What does my ideal life look like?
And it requires us to answer them. Not just once where we set it and forget it. But over and over again.
Because as we evolve, what we want will evolve as well. If we don't continue to tune in, it’s easy to end up in a place where we feel like we’ve gone off course because we never set the course.
Sometimes, we may not realize we’re off course until we’re pretty far down the line. But we can always reset our direction if we give ourselves permission to do so.
There’s no right answer to any of these questions, which can make them a lot harder to tackle. Especially when life seems fine and the effort to change it feels daunting.
But I imagine none of us would answer How do you want your life to feel? with “fine.” At least not as a constant state. And I don’t mean the dictionary definition, e.g. a fine wine, but rather that fine we say when we don’t have a better word for things being blah.
We demand vision and purpose from the companies we work for and buy from so, why not demand the same of ourselves?
If I asked you to write a mission statement for yourself as CEO of You, Inc., what would you write?
It’s not an easy exercise. It can take companies weeks, months, and sometimes years to sharpen it. Capturing a simple idea, clearly and succinctly is hard work. This is why agencies are paid millions of dollars to deliver a few choice words in a carefully crafted order that can take months to land.
But the first draft needs to be written to get to the final. Except in the case of our lives, we don’t have to land a final draft. It’s a living, breathing statement that goes on as long as we do and can be edited as we learn more about ourselves and the world. It’s not something we’d change everyday, but it’s also not set in stone.
It’s merely a guide. But as the guide of our lives, it’s a pretty damn important one.
And as the captain of your own life, if you don’t know where you want to go how are you charting your course?
🙏🙏,
Pam
On Individual Sustainability: Getting Your Priorities Straight
Last week I started writing about the idea of Individual Sustainability and how it’s something I wish for every person.
I described it as... our ability to sustain our life and needs at a steady pace for the unique marathon we’re each running. It’s made up of the ingredients, practices, and mindsets that we each determine will help us live the life we want.
The United Nations’ definition of sustainability is… development that meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs.
The UN is referencing the world at large, but it applies all the same to a world of one. Doing what you need in the present to meet your short term goals while keeping your long term goals in mind.
Think of the times when life felt solid, things were lining up, you had what you needed, and you were energized to take on the world. The sense of possibility, opportunity, hope, and excitement for the future.
These moments fuel Individual Sustainability.
Now think about the times when something wasn’t right. Unhappiness at home. Frustration at work. Pain in your body or mind. Restlessness about life overall. We don’t have a lot to give to other things and other people demanding our attention because we barely have enough for ourselves.
These moments stunt Individual Sustainability.
It’s the work of making sure our current lives are dialed so we can build towards the lives we each want, in however way we each want it.
One part is knowing what kind of life you want. The other is dialing the immediate future. For today, we’ll focus on the latter.
To start, we all have foundational things we need like money to pay our bills. A job to make that money. A place to live and call home. People who care about us.
But beyond needs there are also things we want like meaningful work that gives us a sense of accomplishment and pride. Time for our hobbies and passion projects. Activities that entertain and make us happy. To have fun.
And sometimes it’s hard to make sense of all the things we need and want to figure out what to prioritize. And sometimes they can compete or be contradictory. So, how do we reconcile all of it.
You break it down and make some choices.
Because as my wise friend told me when we were kids… you can have it all, but you can't have it all at once. (Supposedly Oprah also said this, but he definitely said it first.)
Here’s how I do it...
I use my prioritization framework called the 7Ps. P for Priorities and they’re all P words to save my memory.
In no particular order the 7Ps are:
PEOPLE: The human interaction stuff. Family. Friends. Love. Partners. Kids. And yes… Pets.
PLACE: Your Environment. Where you live. Surroundings. City vs. Country. Community.
PROFESSION: All things work-related. Job. Career. Your Business. The company you work for. Coworkers. Culture.
PROSPERITY: Money & Possessions. Income. Savings. Car. Insurance. Investments.
PASSION: Things That Excite You. Interests. Hobbies. Activities.
PERSONAL: Your individual wellness. Physical/Emotional/Mental Health. Mindset. Behaviors.
PLAY: Just Because It’s Fun. Things that make you laugh. Bring you joy. Make you feel like a little kid again.
I take stock of what matters to me right now in each of these categories (you can have multiple things per category). Then I pick the most important thing in each category and I rank them from 1 to 7.
(This is an adaptable framework to organize our thoughts and we can adjust as needed. e.g if two things in one category are SUPER important to you, then include both and prioritize from there.)
These priorities aren’t set in stone and I don’t follow this rubric every time I make a decision. But it does create accountability to the things I’ve deemed important and it helps me filter micro (e.g. how I spend a Saturday night) and macro choices (e.g. do I quit my job to start a business) to ensure I’m aligning my decisions to my priorities.
It mainly helps me organize my thoughts about what I say matters so I can strategically choose where to spend my time, energy, and money in the short term.
Because ultimately, setting priorities doesn’t mean anything if they’re not lived. And priorities in action require proper resource allocation.
Otherwise, we’re just living the Talking Heads song, Once In A Lifetime. Ending up somewhere we didn’t plan to be because we didn’t actually plan to be anywhere at all.
🙏🙏,
Pam
PS - As a thank you for reading my emails, here’s the 7Ps Worksheet if you want to use it for yourself. I do this exercise quarterly, at minimum. But really, anytime I feel like I need clarity on what matters to me right now and how I need to adjust my investments. If you try it, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
On Seizing Opportunity & Individual Sustainability
I’m grateful I found my quarantine groove early on and have been living solidly the last month, but last week sucked.
A few personal setbacks, some emotional waves, and then awful news that a college friend died suddenly (not from COVID-19).
It felt like deja vu… I JUST had these exact thoughts about someone close in age dying unexpectedly, young kids left behind, heartbreak for a partner who has to conjure the strength to do a job solo that was meant for at least two, if not a village.
That someone was Kobe. When he died in January, I wrote this piece as a reminder, mainly to myself, that the sparks ignited by the major events of our lives don’t last forever. They actually disappear very quickly.
Those major life events, especially ones that shock us like death and pandemics, often serve as reminders to reflect, introspect, and reevaluate. Sometimes we’ll even seize those moments and make some changes.
Whether those changes stick depend on whether we put in the work day in and day out after the fact. And often life can “get in the way.”
But what’s our excuse when life is on pause?
COVID is a tragedy. A crisis. A life changing experience. A lesson in kindness, community, healthcare, government, economics, poverty, social welfare, etc.
But the best thing it is?
An opportunity.
It’s an opportunity to build our resilience muscles that help us roll with future waves whether they're a baby ripple or a tsunami.
It’s an opportunity to address those physical and mental health adjustments we said we'd make once work calmed down.
It’s an opportunity to mend or tend to that important relationship that we've avoided or neglected.
It’s an opportunity to work on that business idea we’ve been thinking about forever, but not putting the hours into.
It’s an opportunity to figure out what a fulfilling career looks like and how we can move towards it.
It’s an opportunity to figure out what actually matters and how to start prioritizing those things.
For those of us fortunate enough to have downtime right now, we have more peace and quiet to think and process than we ever had in our normal lives. If you have kids or other demands on your time, you might have to work harder to carve out the space, but changes are only made by those who commit to making it happen.
A phrase I’ve been using for a while now is Individual Sustainability. I don’t know if it’s been used elsewhere, but I said it one day and found it perfectly summarized what I hope for every human.
Individual Sustainability is our ability to sustain our life and needs at a steady pace for the unique marathon we’re each running. In the long run, not exercising isn't sustainable. Ignoring those uncomfortable feelings we don't want to feel; not sustainable. Staying in that job we dread getting out of bed for; not sustainable.
It’s made up of the ingredients, practices, and mindsets that we each determine will help us live the life we want. The specific details of those ingredients, practices, and mindsets will vary for each of us as our lives and needs are different, but there are some universal themes. Health. Home. Money. Connection. Meaning. Happiness. Etc.
I’ll write more about that next week, but for now, I’d ask you to consider…
What do you need for your Individual Sustainability? Right now and in the future.
I’d love to know what yours are. Hit reply if you're willing to share.
🙏🙏,
Pam
On The Opportunities Of Boredom
I listened to Kara Swisher’s podcast last weekend and Adam Grant was on, talking about the numerous studies done on boredom and how it basically breaks down into two categories...
I’m bored because I have too much downtime and I don’t know what to do with it.
I’m bored because the work I’m doing isn’t interesting, isn’t meaningful, or is repetitive and I’m muddling through the day.
Let’s call the first personal boredom and the second professional boredom.
In both cases, boredom is an opportunity to try something new because our brains are inclined to solve the boredom “problem.” It’s a state we don’t generally enjoy being in, so we try to find some stimulus to make it go away.
Sometimes the bored feeling is momentary. But sometimes it's more constant… the kind that keeps nagging at us until we can’t ignore it any longer.
There’s a case to be made for practicing finding peace and solace and even inspiration when we’re bored. But there’s also a case to be made for finding a longer term solution, especially for the kind of boredom that won’t go away.
Once you’re bored of addressing your boredom with TV, cleaning, cooking, social media-ing, exercising, etc., here are a few thoughtstarters to consider….
For personal boredom:
When Coronapocalypse is over, what will I regret not doing?
What’s most important to me right now?
What skills do I want to learn or improve?
What to dos have been on my list forever that I can cross off?
What home projects have I wanted to do?
What books/long articles have I not had time to read?
What online classes could be interesting to take?
What habits have I wanted to build or break?
What hobbies have I ignored that I miss doing?
For professional boredom:
What does meaningful, fulfilling work actually mean to me?
What’s most important to me in my work life?
What problems do I want to solve?
What skills do I want to learn?
What’s my ideal work environment?
What qualities do I want in my work experience?
Who do I want to learn from?
What kind of leaders and managers do I want to work for?
What activities energize me?
These are the kinds of questions I ask my clients all the time. Almost all of them found me because they felt a level of professional boredom and sometimes personal boredom as well.
A lot of us have felt the momentary boredom in the last few weeks and we’ve found ways to cope. But if you’re feeling a kind of boredom that’s been bubbling under the surface for a beat, now's a good time to ask some of these questions and see if there's a longer term solution beyond coping.
Supposedly, we have nothing but time right now.
Much love in chaos and boredom.
🙏,
Pam
PS... I put together a list of spreadsheets, websites, and resources for job/freelance opportunities that I came across in a bunch of forums. Please use it and feel free to share with anyone who could benefit from it!
On Figuring Out What We Need
How are you doing? is a question we’re asking each other a lot these days. And living in NYC, a recurring question from friends who live elsewhere has been:
Are you ok out there? and Is it really as scary as it seems from the news?
My response, after a few days of adjusting, has been...
I’m grateful and fortune-favored. Sometimes I’m sad and heartbroken and frustrated at our government’s response, but it’s a small percentage of the time and it’s far outweighed by the courage and strength and kindness I see and read about everyday.
I’m so lucky to have my health, the option to WFH, food, a home, and loved ones to video chat with. I’m doing what I can to give back and enjoying hobbies I’ve missed like cooking. But otherwise, I'm focusing on the things I can control and being the change I want to see. And I STILL don’t have enough time to do all the things I want.
But it’s still a scary time.
The frontlines are scary. Being at a hospital, morgue, nursing home, etc. facing life and death everyday must be terrifying and exhausting and demoralizing. Appropriate PPE is severely lacking and some of the conditions are criminal. So, I think about those people and thank them at least once a day.
But being at home can also be scary whether you’re an overwhelmed parent, unemployed, job searching, fighting with your partner, or feeling lonely.
It’s been scary for everyone. No matter what circumstances you’re in.
I don’t often write about tactics, but here’s what I’ve done for my sustainability in case it’s helpful.
1. Take time to figure out what I'm feeling and address it.
The adjustment period is real. We’ve been forced to adjust to massive changes in an extremely short period of time under an umbrella of fear and uncertainty.
Whatever you’re feeling is valid and exactly what you should be feeling. There’s no right or wrong way to respond. And for the non-feelers, it might be a good opportunity to give those weird sensations called feelings some room to be and breathe.
Taking a moment (or days, weeks, whatever you need) to acknowledge and address fear, anxiety, confusion, sadness, etc. and grieve the losses suffered during this time is not just valuable but productive.
Not trying to take action right away gives us time to understand what’s really going on inside our heads and then solve what actually needs solving.
My immediate response was to ACT. I’m a problem solver and planner and those are my go to tactics when faced with a challenge. I was in the middle of a road trip so, I bought way too many cleaning supplies and non-perishables along the way, then started to research where I could rent a place outside of NYC.
After a few nights of staying up late to research long term rentals in Vermont, distances to local hospitals, and whether they had pulmonologists on staff (yes, really), I realized I needed to stop and figure out what was driving my action and what I really felt.
I sorted that I was sad the trip I’d planned for 6 months was cut short before it started. I felt anxious about so many unknowns, like what NYC was really like on the ground and how bad it could get. I was scared about not having healthcare access if I needed it. I felt stressed about creating the “right” COVID-19 strategy and being prepared.
But I didn’t have firsthand NYC data points to inform a clear picture of what I was dealing with, so the first step was simply to go home. Then gather info and assess the situation.
Now that I’ve been back for almost three weeks, I couldn't be happier to be in my own apartment with my stuff, nesting, cooking, and sleeping in my own bed. I’m lucky to not be an essential worker and can focus on optimizing my life in a few hundred square feet.
I still feel sad when I read stories of those who’ve died and frustrated when I see another story about institutional failures, but bad things will continue to happen in life. This is where #2 comes in.
2. Figure out my current priorities and what I need to be set up for success (mentally, physically, financially, etc.).
Once I gave myself time to feel and grieve the initial shock and impact (that process isn’t done, but the upfront heavy lifting has transitioned into a steady maintenance), I sorted what I wanted life to look like for the foreseeable future and what I wanted to accomplish in that time.
Here are the ingredients I need for success:
Clear Priorities - For life. For the Month. For the week. For the day. I have a prioritization framework that helps me evaluate where I need to focus my attention and make decisions. I usually do this once a quarter, when there’s a major life shift, or whenever I need to reevaluate my priorities. Let me know if you want to learn more about how I do this and I can share that next week.
Gratitude - I’m so damn grateful for the option to work remotely. To have savings. To have a home and food. To have my health and insurance. To have options. I don’t say this in a preachy, count-your-blessings-and-remember-how-much-better-off-you-are-than-others kind of way. I mean this in a figure-out-what-you-are-truly-grateful-for-and-practice-feeling-grateful-for-it kind of way.
Joy & Humor - Happiness and Laughter are soul food. Finding little things that bring me joy or make me laugh then taking the time to actually appreciate it. For me it’s been organizing my closet, buying myself flowers, making cookies, eating cookies, singing and dancing when I hear a song I love, and watching videos like Some Good News with John Krasinski.
Connection - I’ve spoken with my mom way more than usual. I’ve used Zoom, Facetime, Houseparty, Instagram Video Chat, Slack Video Chat, Hangouts, WebEx, GoToMeeting to connect with friends and network. I’ve texted so many people I haven’t talked to in a long time to see how they are. I’ve written letters just because. If you’re able to cuddle your kid, kiss your dog, have sex with your partner, show affection for someone you love... now’s a great time!
Movement - Our bodies need to move! For my physical and mental health, and to balance my excessive snacking I’ve had to be way more intentional about movement since I’m walking much less. Each week, at minimum, I’ve been trying to do yoga twice, 30m of HIIT, and walking at least a mile three times.
Kindness & Helping Others - It simply feels good to help other people, especially when we feel helpless. At my most depressed times in life, helping others was always a key component to getting out of my funk. I’ve made baked goods to give to homeless people. I’ve donated to COVID-19 grassroots efforts like this one 3D printing faceshields for healthcare workers. I’ve delivered groceries to people who are most at-risk with Invisible Hands and signed up for delivering to healthcare workers in hospitals with Meals 4 Heroes. I’ve volunteered at food pantries where they have a volunteer shortage through In It Together. If you're willing and able, I'm sure there's help needed in your neighborhood.
3. Control what I can.
My mindset. My actions. How I spend my time. (Like on the stuff above.) That's kind of it so, choose wisely.
I hope you all figure out what you need for your own individual success right now. Getting ourselves right first makes it a lot easier to be there for those around us.
Cheers to love and luck, safety and sanity.
🙏🙏,
Pam