On Living Our Values & Priorities

For the past year I’ve been smiling at more people on the street and sometimes actually saying the word hello, which is a foreign concept in NYC.

Part of that was doing what I wanted to see more of in the world and staying connected to other humans.  But it was also part of my strategy to feel less depressed in 2018.  

Even though my life on paper was better than ever, I was so caught in my black hole of thoughts wondering what the point of all this was that it disengaged me from the world and kept me from truly appreciating what I had.

So I started with committing to helping one person in need each day with money or food, and taking time to appreciate their experience.  

I needed small and direct ways to feel useful and like I had value to give to others.  But also, selfishly, to remind myself that there were people with no money, food, or home who were pushing through each day.  Not just as a mantra, but viscerally, so I could feel it, not just think it.  

It takes action for our values to mean anything and the three that helped me fully engage again were empathy, curiosity, and kindness.  They became a means of survival.  

Now, with COVID and quarantine, survival mode is activated and I’ve doubled down on using these as part of my strategy.

I took a day off this week to recharge and was on my way to a bakery to treat myself when I saw a homeless man with a green, fleece blanket wrapped around his waist walking towards me.  I had a mask and sunglasses on so, I said hello.

He stopped in a way that made me stop and asked, Why did you just say that?

I said, Because I wanted to be friendly and since I’m wearing a mask and sunglasses you can’t see me smile.

We talked a bit about how he was coping and places that usually offer food and shelter being closed.  I shared that the city was offering free meals, but he didn’t want help from the government.  

I had already given him the dollar I had on me and was ready to end the conversation so, started to wrap it with a statement about priorities… if he cared more about feeding himself there was free food available, but if he cared more about not receiving government support then he might have to go hungrier than needed.

His response was great.  He told me he cared more about believing in people coming out to support people in need and that he could get by on that goodness and generosity.

I had so much respect for the clarity he had on his values and priorities that when he asked me if I could buy him some food, I felt like I had to say yes.

I told him I was heading in a certain direction and as long as it was on the way, I was down to help.

He turned out to be quite particular (vegetarian and no processed food) and rather self-centered (he asked to go to places that weren’t on my way and declined one place because he didn’t like the girl’s attitude).

I was frustrated and told him I wasn’t willing to wander around with him to find an open restaurant at 11:30am and felt like he was taking advantage of my generosity.  I no longer wanted to help, but he asked if we could check out one last place across the street that looked open.

I was over it, but reluctantly agreed.  

When we finally said goodbye I was so annoyed I said hello and got caught in that situation.  Then immediately started thinking that maybe I shouldn’t say hi to strangers anymore, especially homeless people.

But then I took a beat.

I chose to engage for reasons that are fundamental to how I want to be in this world and to feel good about myself.

I want to be helpful and he told me how I could help. 

I agreed, but didn’t set clear boundaries.  

I didn’t tell him what I needed, which was to be done with the situation.

And sometimes embodying the values that matter to me isn’t convenient or comfortable.

I realized that the solution I wanted to proceed with wasn’t to contract and engage with the world differently so this didn’t happen again.  But rather figure out a more sustainable way to engage while setting better boundaries so I wouldn’t feel taken advantage of.

This man (he wouldn’t tell me his name) lived his values, understood his priorities, set his boundaries, and stated his needs better than I ever have and I learned so much from our interaction.

Not everything that feels good is good for us.  

And not everything that’s good for us feels good.  

It’s on us to figure out which is which to determine how best to proceed.  And it’s a hard job because there are usually many factors at play… the circumstances, our beliefs, our behaviors, our emotions, our triggers, our upbringings, our defense mechanisms, etc.  It’s a lot to sort through.  

But if you’re clear on what matters to you (values) and how you want to use your time, money, and energy (priorities) it’s a solid place to begin.  


🙏🙏,

Pam